I know that my life didn’t come with instructions. I know I made a mistake, I know I f*cked up. I know I need to OWN this mistake and accept it for what it is. I know that I am NOT defined by my mistakes and I am NOT defined by my struggles. I KNOW that I am here NOW with the power and knowledge that I've learned from those mistakes to be able to shape every single tomorrow exactly the way I deserve. I've realized that no matter how chaotic the past has been, that today the future is a clean, fresh, wide open slate and what I do with it now is totally up to me.
After remembering this and thinking about my true motives of why I'm even writing this, I prayed ... Am I really ready to share this??? So of course, I did what I always do and checked my horoscope :)
*** If you can't tell, I'm having a hell of a time trying to write this ... My brain is so scattered and chaotic when I think about all of this and I apologize to anyone reading ... I kind of explained that I really don't have any idea how I truly deep down feel abut this event and I'm sure my writing is making that apparent ... I really need to focus on that one moment ... that moment that I truly felt like death was the only way out. ***
Let's take it back to April 2012. I'm pretty sure at this time I'm too f*cked up to remember dates unless they were significant. I reeeeeeally wish that as I tell you this story that I could say that there were all kinds of people interfering in my life because they saw that I was DYING for love and I needed help - but that's not the case; there were all kinds of people interfering in my life because they wanted to hurt me, for whatever reason I'll never know, but I'll save that for another blog post ... I think I had my first visitor from child and family services maybe late March first of April, not sure on dates. It's funny because it was actually a friend of mine that I had been on several relay teams with. He sat down and visited me. I let him look through my perfectly clean and organized house and had a conversation with him. I couldn't at the time understand why in the hell someone had reported me to DCFS. My children were taken care of, they were loved dearly by so many people, including myself, and all of their needs were more then met. He soon left. I'm not sure if I really talked to anyone about the fact that he came over or not - I was EXTREMELY embarrassed; not only by the fact that I knew him, but also by the fact that, HOLY F*CK, DCFS had seriously just came to my house? Like that doesn't happen unless you're abusing or neglecting your children right?? Little did I know how f*ckin wrong I was with that thought and what I was so close to finding out ...
Before the DCFS lady and DEA agents left my house the DCFS lady asked if I would submit to a drug test. Of course I didn't have an issue with that. I let her know I had a prescription for Adderall and agreed to the take the drug test. A day or two passes and I head down and pee in a cup ...
Every single one of these 'incidents' I can look at now as God slapping my hand, telling me to get it together NOW or shit's gonna get real. I was oblivious ... I was so completely oblivious. What I wouldn't do to be able to go back to that time in my life and redo everything, to take it all back and start over again ...
On April 16th (ish) 2012 I had a regular day. I had the kids home that night and I got them fed and tucked into bed. Of course, as usual, I was using. I got a text from a friend about a rendezvous and immediately sent another text to one of my best friends seeing if she was down to go. She didn't get off work until 12:30am. We decided that I'd pick her up when she got off work and we'd head over there for a bit. I don't know why or what in the hell I was thinking ... but I justified leaving the kids home for a few hours while I did this. I figured Ryker was almost 9 and he had a cell phone, and they were both asleep anyway, they'd be fine ... so I drove to my friends work, picked her up, and went on our happy merry way to this little rendezvous. It consisted of about 8 people that I probably never talked to again in my life. On a fun scale it was probably a 1 out of 10, nothing special, nothing that would ever matter again ... but it was significant.
I obviously have no idea how this story really goes, but here's what I think ... I think when you have a case out with DCFS that you are kind of being watched. Actually I found out recently that I was being 'watched' a lot more then I knew about ... Which doesn't surprise me. I was not really shy about the fact that I was a party animal, I threw LOTS of parties and I made a scene at the bar basically every weekend; needless to say, law enforcement knew exactly who I was. On my way to pick up my friend at work I ended up seeing a police officer for a tiny millisecond. I think that somehow they knew that DCFS was looking into me ... it doesn't really matter but it still blows my mind wondering what "behind the scenes" of this entire situation really looked like.
That voice mail was from a police officer. I don't remember exactly what it said. My friend n I immediately left and when we got to my house my kids were gone. I called the police officer back and he questioned me severely. We made up some nonsense lie about why I was gone ... the bottom line is that I WAS GONE and my kids were home ALONE in the middle of the night. I think somehow he had thrown rocks at the boys window to wake them up and had Ryk open the door for them. The police officer had called Beckem's father and he had taken them both to his house for the night.
That night I went through so many scenarios in my head ... "How can I get out of this?" "What is my excuse?" "What am I going to say?" ... and everything else that surrounded my stupid f*cked up brain during my addiction. I ended up falling asleep and texting Beckem's dad the next day letting him know I was sorry, I was 'helping a friend' (one of the trillion lies I would tell in those days), it wouldn't happen again, and I was very thankful that he came and took care of the boys.
Two days goes by ...
April 19th 2012. This is it. This was, depending how you looked at it, the last day of my life, or the first day of the rest of my life. It was a Thursday. Everything was normal on this day. I taught abs and power pump that night at Golds. Earlier that day Beckem's dad had told me to bring the boys to him while I taught. This was completely normal because we did it all of the time. One of my friends and I had made plans earlier that day to have a movie night at my house with our kids. I told her I'd meet her at my place after I taught at the gym. I remember this day like it was yesterday, it's vivid in my mind and it will be until the day I die. Beckem was already with his dad and I was on my way to take Ryker over there, we were singing Party Rock Anthem at the top of our lungs laughing and smiling at each other ... It was Ryker's favorite song at the time. I dropped Ryk off, hugged him and kissed him, told him I loved him, and took off to teach my class ...
I opened the door and there stands the woman who had been coming to my house from DCFS, a man in a suit that looked familiar, and a police officer. They ask if they can come in. I say, "My ex in laws are on their way with my kids and this might be awkward", they say "Well it actually has to do with the kids" ... I do not know really anything that happens after that. I was served with a warrant that basically removed my children from my custody and placed them in the custody of the State of Utah. The police officer was there to ensure that I didn't 'act out'. Apparently the drug test I had submitted to had come up positive for 'methamphetamine'. It was state law to remove the children from the parents custody immediately upon a positive meth test. I freaked the f*ck out. Utter hysterics. I have never touched meth, I have seen meth ONE TIME and it was in my drugs and crime class in college. How was this happening? How are my kids gone? Why are my kids being taken from me because it appears that I am using meth? I lost it. I couldn't breath. I don't think I've ever cried that hard in my life. I remember the police officer telling me to "calm down". Was he f*cking serious?!!! How was I supposed to calm down after my kids have been taken for something that wasn't even true?! I begged and I pleaded and I told them I've never used meth ... looking back I feel so stupid for wasting my time even talking because they hear all of that shit on a daily basis I'm sure. I don't know how long they are at my house, I don't even remember what happened, I just remember crying and thinking "why why why" ... I remember how terrified I felt. These are my children for Christ's sake!!! I almost think that maybe I was in shock? I asked when I could see my kids, when I could have them back ... and I couldn't get an answer. I'd heard people crack jokes about DCFS before but I never truly understood what they did. I had never hurt my babies, I would never hurt them, I love them, they were all I had at that time. They needed me. They relied on me. I am their mother. I failed them. I failed myself. Why is this happening??? How does this happen? I'm so lost at this moment, I have no idea ... I just sit, and I sob and I sob and I sob and I wonder why and how and why and how ... and I can't breath. I can't fathom being alive. I want to die. There is nothing worth living for anymore. I had officially lost every single thing in my life that had ever meant anything to me - I literally just had the one thing that I feel like I was even living for at that moment taken out of my hands ... all because of a false positive on a drug test? I hated so many things at this moment, but most of all, I hated myself. I really wish that I could figure out a way to explain how I was feeling in words ... writing this I just become a giant bundle of hysterics because I can feel how that moment felt. I can feel that pain and that agony and that desperation ... is all I wanted to do was hold my boys, kiss their sweet faces and tell them how much I loved them. I wanted to be able to take it all back. I wanted to go back to that picture I shared with you when I'm holding Beck in his Halloween costume and Ryk is standing right by me smiling up at me, I wanted to go back to when I was actually HAPPY ... I wanted to go back to when I could actually SHOW UP for my family ... for myself ... for my kids. What had happened to me? Where did I go wrong? The pain still sits inside of me and dwells from this moment; it's been over two years and it still hurts just as bad as it did that day - it's so hard to write this because even right this second tears stream down my face as I wonder WHY did this happen!? I will have insight to share with you over the course of this blog about why I think this happened; don't ever forget that my life motto is to Trust the Process ... but now I wonder if you understand why? It's merely impossible to have a false positive on a drug test; I figure when something impossible happens, that it's happening because God made it happen ...
I'm so grateful that my friend was there. She held me and told me that it was going to be okay. Her boyfriend at the time, who was also a good friend of mine, came over later and we went through every medicine, pill, supplement etc that I was taking at the time. Of course I was abusing the shit out of Adderall (aka amphetamines) but how would it be possible that the drug test would come up positive for meth? ... FYI drug tests have a line for both methamphetamine and amphetamine ... I had been not only eating Adderall like skittles, but I had also been eating Redline, which is an over the counter thermogenic, just as much. Some people compare Redline to speed ... just goes to show you that I was a strung out mess ... anyway there was an ingredient in the Redline that was titled "Methylphenel....." and we had all decided that the mixture of these two things are the reason it came up positive for meth. I figured I would talk to DCFS about this the next day and it would all be fine. I would show them what I was taking and explain what was going on and everything would work out. My way of thinking was pathetic ... As I'll explain in another blog post, one of my least greatest character traits is the trait of "grandiosity" which basically means that I think I'm above the rules, that the rules don't apply to me; I feel like I can talk my way out of, or get myself out of, anything ... this situation was a real eye opener into how wrong I was. I had calmed down a bit after a few hours and my friend and her boyfriend begged me to stay at their house. They knew how not okay I was at that time, and honestly if she wouldn't have been there I probably would have tried to kill myself after DCFS left ... there was nothing left to live for. I told my friends I would meet them at their house later, that I just needed to be alone for a bit.
I went to my friends house later that night because I couldn't fathom being in my house any longer. Everything reminded me of my sweet boys there, I just needed to leave and forget ... I probably took 10 or so Tylenol PM's that night ... I just wanted to sleep. I couldn't even fall asleep for a few hours after that. I finally crashed around 4am and didn't wake up again until 5pm the next day. I woke up to a text from my mom, "Why didn't you tell me that the kids had been taken from you because you had used meth"? What I wouldn't have given that night to be able to call my mom and ask for help ... but how would I even explain where I was in life at that time? I had done my very best at pushing away anyone and everyone who cared about me so I could hide my Adderall addiction. And I knew that no one would believe me that I hadn't used meth. After all, Adderall comes from the exact same family as meth, so basically I was probably acting exactly the same as a meth user to everyone who was watching my downfall from the outside. I'm not sure anyone believed me, and I'm sure to this day there are still people out there who don't believe me.
I don't really remember what happens in the day following ... I'm frantic and alone and scared and I'm crying nonstop. I am pretty sure I sleep and cry and sleep and cry and sleep and cry. I didn't talk to anyone. I didn't think. I was in disbelief. I couldn't believe this had happened. I wanted to blame everyone. I wanted to blame all of the people that had worked with DCFS to make this happen. I wanted to blame Ryker and Beckem's fathers. I wanted to blame the police. I wanted to blame the caseworkers. But most of all, I wanted to blame God. Why would God allow that test to come back positive? Why would God allow my children to be taken away for something that wasn't even true? Why would God make me endure this pain?
Eventually, throughout a very LONG amount of time, as I will explain in a later blog post, the test ended up coming back as a false positive. Meaning that I had NOT used methamphetamine. When they have you drug test, you pee in a cup and they put the dip stick in. If the dip stick shows up as a positive they send the urine off to the lab to be "confirmed". My confirmation came back negative. No one knows why the dip stick showed positive but I heard that maybe because of the amounts of Adderall I was consuming it just read as methamphetamine ... When I heard that I was even more frustrated. My kids had been taken away because I had tested positive for meth, the test came back negative, but I didn't get my kids back? ... they actually didn't even mention that the test was negative in court for about 3 months. At least that proved that I had not used meth to everyone that had been doubting me for so long. After this was released in court they changed the reasoning for the removal of my children from my home. Since they couldn't blame it on meth use they chose to say they took my kids away because I left them home alone that night that I talk about above. I wish they could have just said they made a mistake thinking I had used meth and given my kids back ... but I doubt it's okay for the State to admit wrongdoing in this type of matter. The funny thing is that the entire State law was changed because of my case; now you have to have a CONFIRMED positive test before the removal of a child from the home. Of course that law had to come into effect AFTER I'd already lost my kids. For 18 long drawn out months I jumped through hoops trying to do anything and everything DCFS wanted me to do in order to be able to get my kids back. They had promised me time and time again that as long as I followed their "reunification plan" that I would be able to have my kids again ... in the end they completely lied, but I'll save all of that for a different blog post ...
I do truly believe that this moment happened for a reason. I'm not sure I understand why, but maybe being a full time mother is not what God has in store for me. I've heard from more then one person that "God is using me in big ways" ... sometimes I really wish I just knew why. I'm still so embarrassed by the fact that this even happened. I want so badly to be able to put it behind me and to move on ... but there is always something pulling me back. I am so pained and heartbroken by what my baby boys have had to endure because of my stupid decisions. Actually, just before I moved to Oregon I went and picked Beckem up for the weekend. We got in the car and he looked at me and said "Mom if you wouldn't have left us that night we could be together forever" ... and the tears flow again ... as my sweet innocent five year old child looks me in the eye and says that, my soul burns. It takes me back to a place of WHY?!!! Why don't I get to be there for my babies? Why can't they grow up together as brothers? Why can't I watch them as they grow and struggle and strive and learn? Why can't I be there? Why can't I raise them? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? I just still have the hardest time understanding why. I'm very anxious to see what God has planned for me, if it wasn't being able to be by their side all of the time, then what is it??
This is certainly not the end of this story, there's so much more to tell. Thankfully I have all kinds of time to finish :) I'll tell you now that there's so many more horrible things I still have to go through. This moment didn't just "fix" me automatically, but it is the changing point that started my healing. I am not proud of this by any means, I hate that this even happened. I hate that I was so stupid and caught up in my own web of destruction that I wasn't only hurting myself, but I ended up hurting so many people I loved as well. Especially my sweet baby boys ...
I testify that I do believe this happened to me for a reason. I do trust in God and I trust in God's plan. I feel like the whole reason I gave up on life and focused on destroying myself was because somewhere along the line I lost God - and this event made it so I was able to find God again. And not only find God, but THRIVE on God and the strength and power He gives me. I've since adopted the motto "Trust the Process". Actually I believe this so much that I had it tattooed on my body :)
So there you have it, the greatest secret and most devastating moment in my entire life. I understand that it's so scattered that you probably have one thousand and one questions ... but they will all be answered with another post at another time. This is my time for healing and this is a HUGE leap for me. You have the freedom to think what you want of me - just remember, this one moment does not define who I am. This one moment has actually turned me into who I am today, and I am certainly not ashamed of what I stand for and the way I live my life today. You can think I was a bad mom or a bad person, but the truth of the matter was that I was taking care of EVERYONE around me at this time, except for me; and that's when I fell apart. I'm grateful for this moment because even though I lost everything I thought I existed for, I later found so much more ... God will use me in ways that I never thought imaginable, I'm still waiting to figure out what that's for ... but until then, I'll keep trusting the process...
Loves, xoxo