My heart hurts today for a few different reasons ...
1. I can't do anything except be here for the man I love as he endures one of the hardest things he'll ever have to go through
2. We're losing someone we hold dear to our hearts ...
3. And there is literally NOTHING we can do to stop it
All of this is not only emotionally kicking my ass - but it's also making me over-analyze and think, think, think ...
Freak, life really is so short. It makes me sick to think of how fast time has been cruising on by and all of the time that I've wasted. Ugh I wanna slap myself in the face as I create a mental timeline of what I've been doing and what I should have been doing instead. I get that we have to "live" life in order to "learn" life, but wow ...
I've spent so many days crying over stupid people, I've spent so many hours doing everything I can to make everyone around me happy - forgetting about myself and/or the people that truly matter, I've spent so much time trying to be "better" for someone else or trying to "fit in" or look a certain way or act a certain way, I've spent too many freaking minutes listening to negativity or enduring negativity because it really is true that misery loves company, and I've spent way to many seconds worrying about who is my friend and who isn't my friend. I've wasted so much time worrying about wanting more or having more that I've almost forgotten to remember how freaking blessed I am for what I actually do have.
I know I'm only 28, and I know I've experienced a shit ton of heartache and I know I've made a shit ton of mistakes ... but I'm done with it, I'm ready to LIVE and I'm ready to LIVE for me and LIVE for who I am and what I deserve. So many times I see people settle into something comfortable instead of focusing on what they really want. It's far too often that you hear people who are simply "getting through" their lives - omg I cry as I think about it because life doesn't last forever - you get ONE chance to make it what you want of it ... do you really want to just 'settle' in regards to anything?
I've had a hard time, especially recently, regarding relationships (not my love life, Mike really is my soul mate) and friendships. It's so hard for me to want to be there for people when in all actuality I have a hard time just being here for myself sometimes. I have to remember that this is my life and the goal is to live a full complete life full of happiness and love and sometimes it's just too damn hard to do that for myself AND everyone else. It's not selfish, it's realistic. My heart hurts because I want to be in about 300,000 places at once for 300,000 different people and I am just now starting to realize that in all honesty it's impossible for me to be able to handle that.
For the past 6 months I've had all of this guilt and shame surrounding leaving Utah to venture off to be with my Prince Charming ... and I think it's finally hitting me that I have no reason to feel that way at all. Sometimes the hardest thing we can do is to do what is actually right for ourselves. Why should that be so hard? Why should it be so hard to look out for YOU?? Why should it be so hard to make a decision based on what YOU really want in life instead of allowing everyone and everything else to navigate your decisions? I really freaking shouldn't be and I'm very grateful that I'm finally having this epiphany. It's so sad to me that it takes the near passing of a beautiful woman to help me realize how important it is to live MY life the way I want to live it. AND THEN (let the deep thoughts REALLY start kicking in ...) I start to wonder ... HOW do I want to live my life? If I died today, would I die living the way I want to live? Would I die feeling complete and full? Would I die leaving the imprint on the world that I want to leave??
It scares me cause I really feel sometimes like there isn't much time left to accomplish the things we want to accomplish. There is a way I want to be seen and there are so many things I want to do to be able to give back to the world and I sit and ponder and wonder how can I do that? How can I ensure that when I die I have done what it is that needs to be done ... and if I end up dying before I've accomplished what I feel like I need to accomplish ... then what?? Will I get that opportunity in Heaven to be able to "finish"?? And then ... as if this isn't enough deep thinking, I start to wonder ... what is awaiting me on the other side??
Obviously by reading this you can tell that my brain is a little disheveled to say the least...
Time to Make Some Changes ...
2 - I refuse to hold back ever again. If I want it I am going to go full force with it. I make so many f*cking excuses for myself and about 110% of the time they are completely fear based. I have learned a lot in the last 6 months since I have moved to Oregon... sometimes when we want something it really is all about reaching out and asking for help from the people who can make it happen. Unfortunately there is also the idea that you can't just live carelessly - you've got to live in a way that is responsible yet still allows you to continue to follow your dreams. My plan from here on out is to never ever live in a way that I will look back and regret. I WILL make my dreams come true, and if I don't, at least I'll die trying ...
3 - Negativity will never consume me. I will not allow resentments to hold me back. And I do not care if someone doesn't like or respect me ... their loss, not mine. I have decided that life is too damn short to worry about anything EXCEPT the good things. I do not have even 5 seconds to waste dealing with bull shit. Seriously though, I refuse to waste a single second ever again. If you want to find reasons to dislike me, that's fine, keep it to yourself. If you want to complain about your bad day, that's fine, keep it to yourself.
4 - I will make a difference in someone's life. I will leave my mark on this world and my mark will matter. I don't want to die as just another someone with a family that loved them - although that really is still a great life - I want to die and have someone think of me and say "that girl changed my life" or "that girl made a difference in my life" or "that girl touched my life" ... I don't want to simply "LIVE", I want to make a difference in this world and especially in someone's life. I want to be the reason that someone does better, or loves harder, or fulfills their dreams ... or ... finds solace in a time of desperation. I'll make sure that each and every day I give back in someway or another, even if it's just a simple smile. A better world starts with one person giving back and another paying it forward - it's a simple concept that more people need to take the time to realize and act upon.
5 - I will love the people who love me in return and never let them be forgotten. Ya know what's crazy? In 28 years I really haven't had someone that I can just lean on all the time, or call for no reason, or to text all day. I've had some really good friends, don't get me wrong. But I've also had some really shitty friends. It's so sad to me that the people that have hurt me the worst in my life have been the people that I've loved the most. But it happened - and it's taught me who I can and who I cannot trust. Needless to say, I will not allow people into my circle that I do not feel like I can trust. I may end up with the smallest circle in this world, but it will also be the safest most loving circle - and I'm totally okay with that :)
6 - No more regrets. If I fail trying I will know that I at least tried. No more tears over "What if" or "how come" or "why" .... I'm going to do what feels right in my heart and if it doesn't work out I'm going to brush it off and try again. Because truthfully, life is too f*cking short to spend even one hour regretting something - there is always at least one good thing that comes from every mistake - I'm going to focus on that instead of basking in what really doesn't matter, or even "who" for that matter ...
Simply Steps to Live a Happy Life
2 - Not everybody is going to like you - and that's totally okay. Who gives a shit about what anybody thinks of you anyway? Honestly you can't do anything to change anyone's mind about the way they want to be. Think of how much you could conquer if you stopped letting other people's opinions dictate the way you live your life ... and don't you dare for even one second think you need to change because someone else doesn't like you for who you are. That's their problem, not yours. If someone doesn't love you for who you are then oh well - sucks for them.
3 - What are you waiting for? Seriously tho. If you want something why aren't you doing everything you can to get it? The truth of the matter is that good fortune isn't just going to show up at your door step - it's up to YOU to go out and achieve whatever it is you want to achieve. You can't expect things in life to happen FOR you, you have to make them happen; or at least give it a damn good try.
4 - Don't live in the past, don't live in the future, live for right here right now - Living in the past will only lead to depression. Honestly, what can you do about the past? NOTHING! Do you hear that? There is NOTHING you can do about what's already been done ... Depression controls a huge portion of society, don't allow it to consume you. Living in the future only gives you anxiety, which is pretty much what the majority of the people who aren't depressed are living with. Once again, you have NO idea what is in store for your future, why sit around worrying about it? Do what you can right now to ensure the best of the current situation that you are living - focusing on being the best you can be for the time you are in is the only way to continually grow and prosper forward without the anxiety and/or depression ...
5 - Forgive n Forget - the only person that anger hurts is you. This world is f*cked up, some people do some seriously f*cked up things, and unfortunately we alone cannot control what anyone does. Being angry and holding resentments will eat you alive. Trust me, I know it's hard sometimes to be able to forgive - but I also know the harm I have caused myself in my past by holding onto resentments - sometimes it's best to own your part of the situation and do what you can to clean up YOUR side of the street; as for the other, there's nothing you can do about it except LET IT GO.
6 - Lose the negative attitude - Do you realize that the energy you put off into the world comes back at you full force? If I live with my glass half empty guess what? ... my glass will be half empty, along with every other aspect of my life. The energy you radiate creates your life and your aura. I get so freaking sick and tired of all of the negativity I see all over the world - especially on freaking FaceBook. Just because you are in a shitty place doesn't mean you have to share it with 18 billion other people ... once again, all you are doing is putting out negative energy which in turn will come back to you at 100 times greater. Stay positive.
My brain is a little racked still but all of this "blog venting" has felt really good, not gonna lie :) So thank you for taking the time to listen to my scatter brained mumbo jumbo ... I'm seriously making a pact to live stronger, love harder and chase bigger and better dreams - no one or nothing will ever hold me back again - I'm sick of analyzing everything. I'm going to live the life I deserve starting NOW - because in all reality, I never know when it could be my very last day ... and neither do you ... think about it ...
Loves, xoxo