Before I get going on this, I need to express that even though being a knocked up teenager was probably one of the hardest most life defining struggles a young girl can possibly go through, especially when baby daddy is less then perfect - that Ryker is one of the greatest, most amazing blessings I've ever received and every single day I'm more n more grateful that he chose me to be his mama. I feel extremely blessed that out of all the billions of women in the world that his special soul picked ME! Yeah, maybe it wasn't the most "ideal" time to become a mother, but I wouldn't change a damn thing :) It truly was meant to be ...
I started hanging out with Joe (* name changed for privacy) I think around November(ish) 2001. As the story goes, Joe was amazing when I first met him - granted I was 15 and stupid and any guy that gave me the light of day was amazing at that time, typical stupid 15 year old teenager thinking. Joe would have been 19 at this time, he lived across the street from the high school with his friends and basically did a whole bunch of nothing. Honestly, writing this just gives me the freaking cold chills because I don't know what the f*ck I was thinking. I think I wanted to be rebellious; he was older, he threw parties, and nobody really thought I should be hanging out with him - therefore I did what most rebellious teenagers would do and I hung out with him. I really wish I had a reasonable answer for why I took a liking to someone like him, but I don't ...
Something I want to say - and I want to be quite blunt about it - if you think your teenagers are having sex, THEY ARE; if you think your teenagers are not having sex, THEY ARE. Seriously though. If I ever had daughters I would put them on birth control the second I knew they had gotten their period ... Okay, I do get that there are some kids who have their head on their shoulders at young ages and aren't as irrational as I was - but even back in my day that was hard to come by, so I can't imagine it's any better today.
Long story short, our "relationship" quickly advanced to a "sexual relationship". Ewwwww. Gross. And ewwwwwww gahhhhh so totally gross again. I've since learned that "sex" isn't all it's hyped up to be. You can't plan on when and if you're going to have sex with someone - sometimes it just happens. Living in the conservative state of Utah I was never taught anything about sex. Especially at that age. I really wish that I would have had a greater concept of what having sex actually was. Ha! It's funny because until I actually had sex I thought it was just like the car scene in the movie 'Titanic'! Boy was I wrong. I'm actually going to turn this entire subject into a whole different blog post because I really think it's important for young girls to know that "sex" isn't what it may seem and it comes with a whole bunch of different responsibilities, feelings and emotions.
It was November 2002, just a day or two before Thanksgiving that I found out I was pregnant. It's crazy, because I just knew. I literally had no signs of pregnancy, I just knew I was pregnant. I talked to a friend at school whom I knew was traveling to the town next door and asked her to get a pregnancy test for me. Panguitch was so small that there was no way I'd find a way to buy one in that town and not have the entire population talking about it 2 hours later - and that's not a joke! She ended up getting one at the dollar store - hahaha cheap or not, it would do the job! It was a small cup you peed in and then put a dip stick in it; kind of like a drug test now that I think of it (lol I'm pro with those drug tests now!) ... I put the dip stick in the cup and almost immediately the pink line shows up indicating ... dun dun dun ... I'm pregnant. Just as I thought I was. F*ck. You can't imagine what's going through my head at this moment - "How am I going to tell my parents", "What are people going to think of me", "Will I get kicked off of drill team", "What will Joe think" ... never once do I think "Omg I'm going to be a mom" or "Omg I'm having a baby" ... I was just so scared of what everyone was going to think, because at 16 years old those are the kinds of things that matter. Never once did I think that this could happen to me ...
That night I took Joe to my house where my parents were sitting on the couch. I don't really remember the conversation but Joe never once looked at my parents. That's the one thing I'll never forget ... the least he could do was show some respect and less cowardice. My parents both cried, and I sobbed. I know they weren't mad. They were sad, they were disappointed; I believe my dad even said that he was disappointed which made me cry even harder. My dad is a very humble loving soft spoken man, so to hear him say that tore my heart into pieces - not because it hurt my feelings, but because I know I had truly disappointed them and the worst thing you can do to the two people who love you more then anything else in this world is disappoint them.
The next morning I told my drill team coach who said I could ask my team if it was okay if I stayed on board. I was front and center of every dance we did and they seemed fine with it. It seems like within a few hours the entire town knew - and I'm not exaggerating. The whispers and smirks and giggles and everyone staring at my still flat stomach made me realize ... And now the time had come to face up to what was happening ...
My mom thought it would be a good idea for me to go to a counselor shortly after I told her I was pregnant. She knew the pain and trauma that Joe was causing me, and she also knew what lied ahead for me wasn't going to be easy. Reluctantly I agreed and went in for my first appointment with that counselor. I don't remember his name. But the meeting was short and to the point. I left their sobbing, defeated, and hopeless. In about a five minute period that "counselor" had basically told me that my life was over, I would never amount to any of my dreams or aspire to any of my goals ... I was simply a statistic and as a teenage mother I would fail. I think it took me a day or two to wrap my head around what he had said. But one thing I do know is that I am really great at doing things that people tell me I can't do. My optimistic (and somewhat rebellious) attitude left me with a new goal - F*ck him and f*ck what he had told me, I'd show him ...
To the Parents:
To the Community:
To the Pregnant Teenager:
To my Sweet Baby Boy:
Love Always and Forever,
Mom, xoxo
Loves, xoxo