I feel embarrassed. Scared. Ashamed. Bad. Unlovable. Guilty. Hurt. Ugly. Fat. Used. Scarred. Like a failure ... honestly, when I really think about it, sometimes I truly feel dead.
I am a hypocrite people - and I'm writing this to own it! To own my truth. To own me ... the real me. One of the first steps to living a wholehearted life is to own your truth ... hence this blog post.
I spent most of my life teaching people to love themselves from the inside out, teaching people that they are worthy of the world regardless of their past, teaching people that they can triumph and overcome even the toughest obstacles that life throws at them, teaching people to see how beautiful they are, how much they give to the world around them, and how no matter what, they can turn the bad shit into greatness and keep on keeping on, living a happy go lucky, smiley, optimistic life from that day forward ...
So let me remind you, I'm a f*cking hypocrite.
Have you ever heard the saying "Fake it til you make it"? Those are the exact words that make me a hypocrite - because every single thing I mention above, I DO NOT, and HAVE NOT believed of myself, EVER. I've been searching for hobbies, goals, ways of life, people, substances and anything else I can think of to "feel happy" and "find purpose in my life" since before I can even remember. I can't tell you why I feel so inadequate - it's just the way it is. And fighting it is kicking my ass worse then just letting it continue ...
Please do not continue reading this if you are going to feel sorry for me, I'm not looking for help or support at this point, I'm looking to find healing within ...
It was around October (ish) 2015 when I BROKE. Every single part of me literally shattered. I had no idea what was going on. I wasn't myself. I was calling in sick to work constantly because I literally could not drag myself out of bed, I couldn't wake up. Like physically my body and mind COULD NOT do anything. I was sleeping more than I was awake. I was sad. Really sad. I went days without showering or getting ready for the day. The anxiety was so bad that I would wake up every single night choking from a panic attack. My joints would freeze up when i was put in front of people or things or anything at all actually. I couldn't show up for life. I seriously couldn't even walk across the street to get a drink because of the fear of seeing people and wondering what they were thinking of me - what are they saying about me? Do they think I'm a failure? Do they think I'm ugly? Do they think I'm fat? Do they think I'm worthless? Do they think I'm fun? Do they think I'm annoying? Do they think ... blah blah blah, you get the idea ...
I was so sick, mentally and emotionally which lead to being physically ill ... I couldn't go on living this way ... I didn't want to go on living at all to be quite honest. I didn't know what was happening to my brain or my body. Luckily my best friend just happens to be a medical professional! And now I'm taking the meds I need and working on my emotional health to try to get better, but once again, that's another story ...
This goes on for months, I feel as though I'm buried in a hole that keeps sinking, even when I attempt to dig my way out ... and in this moment I mentally die. It was February 2016, Mike had been out of town for that entire month for work, so not only was I mentally and emotionally alone, I was physically alone. Whatever was happening to me was more than I could handle anymore; I would have rather died at that point than had to continue fighting the fight I was having within myself. I actually broke down so hard, I had to ask for help. And I am NOT one to ask for help ... Lindsay, my bestie, saved my life in this moment. I'm forever grateful for the love and support she has given me and continue to gives to me every single day. I'm convinced I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for her. I know our friendship is part of Gods Plan ... I'm so blessed ...
Things only seem to be getting harder - maybe because I'm allowing myself to see the truth, to feel the truth? I wish I had an answer for that, I really wish I had an answer for everything I'm going through. I wish I could understand. I wish I knew why I do everything and anything to get out of myself, to get away from my feelings, to run far far far away from the things that cause me pain ... I guess the answer is because it f*cking hurts. And it f*cking hurts to feel hurt. These last few days have been some of the hardest I've ever experienced ... Feelings truly do suck, and right now I think I'm feeling things from my entire existence all at one time ... I've been crying more than I have in years though, which is good. I'm HIGHLY medicated lol therefore the fact that I actually have emotions inside of me is a good sign - even though I'd rather go back to pretending I don't.
Anyway ...
Tomorrow, April 19th 2017, it'll have been 5 years since my children were taken from my custody (you can read that story HERE). The day after they were taken from me I went into "do what you gotta do" mode to get my kids back. I fought with every ounce of everything I had to change my life, to turn it around, to build something from nothing in order to get those kids back ... but in the end, nothing I did mattered. It wasn't in Gods plan for me to raise my boys, and those 9 words make me hurt worse than anything I've EVER experienced. It's funny how the week I'm fighting the battles I'm not prepared to share yet, these last 5 days, which are making me FEEL EVERYTHING ... just so happens to fall on this dreaded anniversary. I guess we'll never really know the reason for anything, but we can know there is a reason for everything - well, that's what I choose to believe. I think these moments are falling together at the same time for a reason only He knows - God acts in mysterious ways. Maybe he wants me to relive that pain, but head on this time since I've got nothing to numb it - I know I am hurting worse right now, 5 years later, then I did on that same day in 2012.
I've spent my entire life trying to become someone that other people would want me to be. I am a perfectionist to the bone. I think in black and white ONLY, and there certainly is no gray that exists to me. I've avoided everything painful in my life because I "had to be" the "everything will be fine" girl. The optimistic upbeat motivational inspiring woman I thought everyone wanted me to be. This girl that I thought everyone would like and look up to. I never felt like it was okay to be "human", because a true human makes mistakes, but a perfect human doesn't - if that makes sense? What I'm learning right now though, is that we can't spend our whole lives trying to make everyone else happy. And if we do, WE WILL BREAK. Just like I did and have been continuing to do over the last 1.5 years. I've had to learn about depression. And let me tell you, that shits real, really real! Anxiety too, as real as it comes, AND they both take your soul to the depths of hell with them. Now let's go ahead and add in the perfectionism, the OCD, the bipolar, the ADD ... I'm a damn mess!! And all because I just want everyone to be happy. All because I think I need to be perfect. I promise to elaborate more on all of this eventually. Obviously I'm going through a lot more than I am touching on ... I'll explain at some point :)
I do think that deep down inside I really am that fun, energetic, optimistic, lively, excited about life girl you all know or have heard of. I'm looking forward to being that girl, without all the other shit sitting on my shoulders. I guess when I'm finally able to come to terms with ME, I'll finally know who I am and what I am - and so will the rest of the world. I'm going to unwrap one piece at a time ...
I've gone 4ish - 5 full days as of right now without participating in any type of 'numbing action', and I feel like shit. Tomorrow is that dreaded anniversary day. When I wake up I'll have two options ...
1. Allow myself to relive that memory and feel all that f*cking built up pain and loss, pull it all outside instead of shoving it all down again.
OR
2. Choose to push it all down again. Hide from it. Run from it. Cover it up with something else. Find some way to numb the pain. Keep telling myself "I'm Fine". And continue to break.
I guess we'll see what happens tomorrow, because as of right now I really want to just pretend it never happened - I'll keep you posted ... I have so much more to write. I'm so happy I opened this bucket of worms ... I need this blog so much. I want to write so much more about the fight I went through to get my kids back. I feel like if I can truly battle that emotional fight within myself - I can battle anything ...
I want to tell everyone I love and care about, and all of the amazing people who support me with their full heart and souls, I am so sorry for being a hypocrite for 31 years. And please, I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me or think they need to do something to make me feel better - the bottom line is I DID THIS TO MYSELF, I'm the only one who can pull myself out of this 31 year mess ... if it's not me who does something about it, things are never gonna change ...
I bought this necklace for myself from The Giving Keys, and it came in the mail yesterday. Exactly when I needed it. It never ceases to amaze me how God works in our lives on the daily. He knows what we need, and when we need it. Just for today, I'm going to make the choice to be BRAVE. And I'm making that choice for ME, not for anyone else.
Loves, xoxo