I feel like as I grew up I had this "idea" of what love was ... walks on the beach hand in hand, candlelight dinners, roses for no reason at all, long romantic kisses that left the irises in my eyes heart shaped ... Right? By the age of 26 I had come to the realization that everything I'd seen in the movies or on tv, everything I'd read in books and everything I'd heard from the people that had supposedly found this thing called "love" were full of sh*t ... End of story.
I really quite haven't decided if it's my unreal expectations or the fact that people are freaking mean - but whatever it is, just two years ago I had literally gave up on my hopes of ever finding "love", actually, I had given up on the idea that "love" even existed at all - and the worst thing is I had given up on the idea that anyone would ever love me at all, if love actually in fact did exist ...
Birth - November 2001
My parents are so freaking perfect. Seriously, I have no idea how I got so lucky to be blessed with such beautiful people. I don't think until recently that I really appreciated the love they have and show toward one another. After 35 (or something along those lines) years of marriage they still act like high school sweet hearts! They text love messages back and forth across the kitchen table, they dedicate songs to each other, they hold hands while they go on car drives, they are affectionate with each other all of the time (kinda ewww lol) ... but seriously, they may quite possibly be the cutest couple I have ever seen - they radiate love for one another and it's obvious to everyone around them! Looking back I can say that it's been that way my entire life. I'm sure they've had their struggles like all couples do (come to think of it, I was probably their only struggle lol), but never once was that obvious to me. I saw nothing but love! And even after all this time it's still just as beautiful as it always has been. If anything, they love each other more now then ever before! I talk about this because this relationship, the one that I've watched my parents grow upon, is the only thing that ever gave me hope that there was still someone out there who would love me the way my dad loves my mom ... I knew the day I found that man that I'd keep him forever ... it was just trying to figure out if that man really existed or if my dad just happened to literally be a Godsend.
Unfortunately I lost my virginity at way too young of an age. I absolutely KNOW that I allowed this to happen because I had no idea what I was getting myself into. And it's not that I woke up that day and thought "Oh today I think I'll have sex" ... it just happened. It happened before I knew what was happening. It was super f*cking gross and made me feel super f*cking dirty and to this day I hate that it happened the way it did. It still makes me sick thinking back to that moment. It's something I definitely would take back if given the opportunity - but we all know that doesn't happen. He was much older than I was and I have a feeling he knew exactly what he was doing ... and of course, after it was all said and done, I became emotionally attached to him and thought I was "in love" with him. We said "I love you" to one another - that's gotta mean you really are "in love" right? I've said it before and I'll say it again - what I wouldn't give to know then what I know now :) We "dated" for quite a while actually. He lived 90 miles away and I couldn't drive so it was rare that I would even see him. Texting really wasn't an option back in those days but we talked on the phone (hahaha who does that anymore?!) like every night ... Bottom line, I was a freaking baby, he was an immature hormonal teenage boy ... of course I had feelings for him, which made me think I was in "love" because that's when happens when little girls have sex with boys before they're able to even know what sex is. Inevitably this ended. He was "cheating" on me with lots of other girls; and I think my mama kind of secretly put the kabosh on things. Looking back this was actually a blessing. I still remember sobbing in my closet when we "broke up" because at my maturity level I viewed it as an actual relationship. At the time I really thought I loved him when in all reality I was so young and immature and ... well, I hadn't even developed a rational mindset surrounding anything in life at this point, let alone SEX. Teenage girls are f*cking stupid. I'm not even kidding when I say that. I'm aloud to say that because I was one. I definitely wasn't the exception. Believe it or not this really did hurt me significantly and it was the start to my skewed vision of men, relationships and love.
Shortly after, I found myself in a horrible situation where sexual assault comes into the picture. This was late summer of 2001. Of course as a young girl when a cute guy asked me to go for a ride in his truck I jumped at the chance! The drive didn't last long before he ended up driving to a farm field, parking the truck and jumping out of his seat to make a move on me. Making out would have been fine, but it escalated quickly and I sure as hell didn't want it going where it ended up ... I made several whispers of disapproval. You have no idea how you feel in that moment until you live in that moment ... I hated it. I hated every single f*cking second of it. I was scared out of my mind ... and shouldn't "No" be enough? It wasn't like he slapped me and said "Bitch don't move" ... he just didn't freaking stop. Even when I made it clear that I wanted him to. Nothing has ever in my life made me feel as disgusting and worthless as I did in that moment. I guess I could have been louder or more firm, but like I said, you have no idea what you'll do in that situation until you're actually in it. And it just so happens (I'll blog about this soon) that one of the most harmful character traits I have is the fact that I'm afraid to say no - I'm afraid to be firm with other people and stand my ground ... this has caused me harm so many more times then I can count. In this moment, even though in my eyes I made it clear to him that this was NOT okay - I sometimes wonder if I could have been louder or more aggressive ... I'll never know. He finished what he came to do, took me back to where we were and that was that. I went home and cried my eyes out thinking I had done something to provoke him to believe that what he was doing was okay ... I still think about this moment way more then I'd like to - working through it one day at a time along with a billion other things. To this day I really don't think he thinks he did anything wrong. Of course he's happily married with kids and the community he lives in believes he's a great guy - and of course I hold onto this resentment and allow it to eat away at my soul every single day. Working on that too ... You hear about all kinds of cases of sexual assault all the freaking time, but then there's the millions that you DO NOT hear about ... The stories like mine where the abused feels more guilt and shame over what happened then the abuser ... Needless to say this didn't help my already distorted vision of men.
I've talked a little bit about "Joe" ... literally a little tiny bit. Unfortunately Joe has, and still does have, a HUGE impact on my life. I feel like the experiences I had with him are rooted deep down in me, which is part of why I'm writing this blog - I need to one day be able to forgive him in the hopes of living the way I want to live ... If you've ever had to forgive someone, whether for something small or large, you know that it's so much easier said than done. But I do know that forgiveness is the only way for me to get rid of some of these resentmetns ... Looking back I can say that I honestly never "loved" Joe. Actually I pretty much hated him the entire time I knew him, but I had hope! I had hope that he would change and we'd have this 'perfect' little family. I actually recently found my journal that I had throughout my pregnancy with Ryker and into the first of my marriage with Joe - it was the saddest thing I've ever read. EVERY single entry ends with "I know he'll change". And I'm not even exaggerating. Literally this was written at the bottom of every single page ... God I was so stupid! There weren't very many happy times. If we did get along for a miraculous minute or so, you can guarantee that the following minute would be the complete opposite. He hurt me in every single way that you can possibly hurt someone. He rocked my world - physically, mentally and emotionally, and not in a good way: yelling, blaming, degrading, accusing, humiliating, manipulating, controlling, belittling ... you name it. He kicked me, slapped me, punched me, pushed me, threw me, threw shit AT me and even once burned my face with a f*cking cigarette ... once again, you name it, he did it. On top of all of that, he cheated on me - complete and utter betrayal. Maybe too much information, but one time he missed one of my pregnancy appointments because he was out all night long drinking and doing who knows what ... when I finally found him, STILL DRUNK, his entire face smelled like a woman's vagina ... and I stayed with him for over two years after that. I think the thing I hate the most is that every single f*cking time I would allow him back into my life because I seriously thought he would change!!! Something everyone needs to take note of ... people like this NEVER change. We got married in November 2003. It was funny because I had a really good friend who said "Sorry I can't make the wedding, I'll make the next one". Everybody knew it wasn't going to work, and I think deep deep deep down somewhere, I also knew it wouldn't last. Divorced at 19 definitely isn't anyone's ideal background - but it happened, and I couldn't be more grateful that I was finally able to get away from him. When I finally had the courage to get him out of my life I had NEVER felt more free and alive!
March 2005 - October 2005
The second I took that ring off my left finger it was like I was a ravage animals prey ... I'm dead serious. I was a full time student at SUU at the time; when I wasn't attending classes I was also working at SUU and working front desk at Golds Gym. Being the extrovert I am (voted Biggest Flirt lol remember?!) it didn't take long to meet all kinds of people. I think this is the beginning of when I really started seeing what most men were like and what they really wanted at the time ... and trust me, they weren't after a "relationship". Neither was I of course, but I also wasn't after what they were after ... I just wanted to be happy and live free and meet people! Every. Single. Freaking date I went on ended exactly the same - there were expectations, and not just expectations for a simple good night kiss; there were definitely expectations that would have lead to more than that ... Supposedly this is cliche' and not 'all men' are like this. I do believe there are some "good seeds" out there, but the guys I was going out with were certainly not helping the male species out in terms of their reputation. I won't divulge into every single guy I met and/or went out with, but even though they came from all different types of places, and even though they all had different backgrounds, and even though they all looked completely different and acted completely different ... I could have swore to God they were all the exact same person ... it's not like it really mattered at the time, I really was out to play play play and felt freaking amazing because I was finally freed from Joe! I was never much of the party type in high school, well obviously since I was pregnant ... but after I was divorced I had a wild streak in me and started living the college party life on the weekends that I didn't have Ryker. On Saturday's I'd do my Golds Gym front desk job and get the Saturday night party plan set up with my friend who was a trainer there at the time ...
October 2005 - September 2010
The first day I saw "Robert" (name changed for privacy) I was ... hmmm (*thinking of the right words) ... lust stricken ... I think that's the word I was looking for! Robert was beautiful - big muscles, dark hair, dark skin, white teeth (I have a fetish for white teeth you'll notice), scruffy facial hair AND he wore a bandana when he would work out ... white boy gone hood? Maybe so, but it definitely caught this girls eye. I saw him come in to the gym on a Saturday while I was working. I checked him in and immediately ran to my trainer friend with all that teenage chit chat about "how hot" he was! We were boy crazy :) We were acting like obnoxious teenage girls and as he was leaving she shouted "My friend thinks your hot" (hahahahahahahaha omg busting up laughing at the maturity level of all of this) ... Robert n I were inseparable from then until the day we divorced.
So I am probably not going to go into too much detail regarding this relationship/marriage - I finally have a decent (per say) relationship with Robert and I don't want to do anything to ruin that. If you are divorced with children you know that it's so much easier when you can avoid fighting with your ex - I think that by skimming the surface I can tell my story without destroying that balance. I can describe our relationship in 3 simple words. Crazy. Stupid. Love. That's exactly what it was. We met when we were both young teenagers and in party mode. We never went on "dates", we went to parties and got drunk together. Any of our mutual friends could tell you this. Instead of being a power couple, we were a party couple. Robert moved in with me about a month after we started hanging out because he got in a fight with his parents. Of course, being the nurturer that I am I took him under my wing. He wasn't working at the time so I did my best to support us on the itty bitty baby income of a full time student/single mom. The entire relationship started off with resentment, and the resentment continued to grow the entire time we were together. Around November (ish) 2005, very shortly after our relationship had started and right after he had moved in with me, I found out he literally had a whole other relationship! If you remember MySpace, his MySpace account even said "In a Relationship with ... insert her name here", the OTHER girl! One of his friends reluctantly pointed that out to me during one of our classes together at SUU. I went through his phone on numerous occasions and would find texts and pictures and whatever else ... he borrowed my car to take her on a few dates ... he spent Christmas evening with her and her family ... he was late for my birthday extravaganza because he was with her ... it was ridiculous because she knew AND I knew, yet we both stayed with him. RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE!!!! I think my reasoning for not leaving at the time was because I wasn't about to let ANOTHER man destroy me. I would suffice and I would win him - regardless if I looked completely pathetic on the outside trying. In the end I "won" - I guess you could say ... even though as time went by "winning" was the last thing I would have called it. The "other girl" actually just recently got married and is beautiful and looks happier than ever - I was really happy to see that!
Around this same time we both started dipping our fingers in a few different types of drugs. Party couple remember? From about November (ish) 2005 - March (ish) 2006 (I think this was the last time) we had our hands in a little bit of everything, ie. cocaine, heroin, pills of whatever sort, marijuana, and ecstasy. He moved to Ephraim to go to school ... well that's what he said he was doing. Come to find out he never even enrolled so I have no idea what he was really doing. I would go there on the weekends and we'd drive up to SLC, buy our drugs and spend the weekend getting high. To me it felt like it made us closer because when you're on uppers, like cocaine, for some reason it makes you basically throw up all of the feelings inside your brain and heart ... I'm already a non stop talker so just imagine what it was like when I was high ... not good, I never shut up. The drug abuse stopped one day because we damn near got arrested. I really think this was a huge "aha" moment! ... A few weeks later we went to Mexico together - on a spur of the moment awful trip - and had one more huge drug binge there, and after that it was done. I was over it, he was over it, it was time to grow up and time to move on ... I think maybe the experience brought us closer together, or maybe we just fed each others addictions, needless to say it's never good when you have a relationship start out with drug abuse.
Robert moved back in with me shortly after and got a great job. The drugs stopped but the partying continued. Every weekend we were both ridiculously drunk. I, personally, in no way, shape or form can diagnose someone else as an alcoholic - but since I am one, I kinda know what it looks like to be one. I'm going to dive deep into alcoholism/addiction/rehab in one of my next blogs, so I'll leave my explanation at that for now ... but I think I can go ahead and say that Robert has tendencies of alcoholism - and one thing that should be known is that two alcoholics in one relationship make for nothing but complete and utter destruction. We fought like cats and dogs, over the stupidest shit. When we were drunk and when we were sober. I hated how he would act when he was drinking - I'm sure I wasn't any better but for some reason I felt overly annoyed even at the slightest hint that he was drunk. I think a lot of it had to do with the resentments I had already built up for him ... He was stupid sarcastic and violent and just straight up dumb ... I'm not saying that I wasn't, but of course we don't see it in ourselves ... We ended up getting engaged and getting married in February 2007. We had to wait until after both of our 21st birthdays so we could have a bachelor/bachelorette party in Vegas and be able to drink legally. Of course we had to have the party together because not once in our relationship was I ever able to trust him again; especially in Las Vegas with his guy friends. I feel like all the crazy shit happened before we got married. There were SO MANY freaking red flags going into this marriage - but you know what? I loved him. I really did love him ... And even though there were millions of red flags, we did have a lot of great times together too.
Things calmed down A LOT after we got married. Probably because in July I found out I was pregnant with baby Beckem :) We weren't trying to get pregnant but we knew we wanted a baby in a year or so. I had been on the Depo shot and had been told to get off of it a year before we were ready to have a baby - so it seems like the day I went off Depo I got pregnant ... Even though it was earlier then we had expected, we were both ecstatic! I seriously remember that day like yesterday, we couldn't hold our excitement in at all and we told everyone right away. A lot changed over the course of the pregnancy. The partying stopped obviously. Robert would still get drunk on occasion with his friends but it wasn't every single weekend. He spent a lot of time fishing but I was okay with that because I loved doing things around the house getting ready for the baby, I loved having alone time with Ryk, and I loved my "me time" at the gym. We had Beckem in March of 2008 and life was nothing but smooth sailing for a short period after. I got huge into fitness after I had baby B and started running and racing a lot with Robert's dad and teaching classes at Golds Gym. Robert got more and more and more into fishing. Toward the end of 08' I got a killer new job at a law firm, Robert and I got a beautiful new home that I picked out with the help of his parents and we were rockin - on top of the world ... so I thought! Robert's job was great, he was making great money, I was working 4 different jobs, which were all great and I was making great money too. Seriously I became addicted to saving, and I feel like Robert became addicted to spending. I hated all the money he spent, it seriously drove me f*cking crazy - I guess because we had so much debt from some of the havoc he had wrecked in the past and I was doing my best to budget to be able to pay off that debt and get us on our feet. Looking back I think I could have been more lax about saving money and he could have been a little more lax about spending money - something I've learned and have taken forward with me into my life today.
In May of 2010 we planned a Cancun getaway with two other married couples who were both good friends of ours. I think this was the moment I realized that our marriage wasn't going anywhere. Don't get me wrong - the vacation was a FREAKING blast!!! Buuuuut, I didn't spend a single second with Robert. I really think this is where I realized that it wasn't working - he did his thing, I did mine. From May - September it was a very fast downhill spiral. I am not going to go into depth about the months leading up to "the divorce" for reasons I've already explained - I should so you could maybe get a better understanding of my hate for love at the time - but let's just say it didn't end pretty. I didn't mourn this relationship at all until I got into counseling. I have worked through it with God and in my journals a bit and today I feel like I have worked around it the way I needed to. I don't hold as many resentments toward him and the ones I do hold I am still working on in a healthy matter. I like to chalk this entire 5 years up to experience. I learned a lot in this relationship. I do believe that we both kind of quit at the end. We both were young and immature and we were both growing into different people; we just weren't growing together, we were growing apart. The first time he said he loved me we were both high on ecstasy for hells sake! If your relationship begins out based on drugs, sex, alcohol and "friends", then chances are that it's not gonna last. I know I loved him, I know there was a time that we had a perfect little family ... Slowly but surely it just started rotting away and I do blame that on both of us. I think that neither of us did anything to contribute to the marriage, we lived comfortably for the sake of ourselves in a very selfish manner. When it ended, the WAY it ended, my heart was broken ... pretty much immediately after the divorce he had a live in girlfriend that eventually became his wife. I think after the divorce he kinda got his shit together; got married, had a new baby, furthered in his career ... and well, after the divorce I basically went bat shit f*cking crazy and instead of gaining anything I lost EVERYTHING I'd worked so hard for. This made me have HUGE resentments toward him - he hurt me, yet in the end I lost ... it just didn't make sense to me at the time ... I'm kind of going to leave this relationship summary at that because I don't want to harm his future, or mine for that matter, by saying anything that could hinder his reputation or our current relationship. I must say, it's kind of nice to be able to communicate about our child without fighting and I want to make sure I keep it that way.
And that says it all ... this bitch suited up and put her game face on! Here I am, 24 years old, single mom with two beautiful children, great job, beautiful house, financially stable, pretty face ... powerhouse woman right?! To the world I pretended that I loved the single life, I never wanted a man, and I certainly didn't need a man ... and whatever other bull shit story I made up to try n believe myself. I found myself hanging out with other single moms and I truly think we were all the same ... we wanted to pretend that we were all strong and independent when on the inside we HATED going to bed alone at night, waking up alone, cooking dinner for only yourself and the kids ... soon I found out that being single really isn't what it's chalked up to be. Not that it's difficult taking care of yourself - it's just so hard not having companionship. Especially when you feel as if you were born to be a lover. Let's all be real for a second, in a relationship or not, being loved feels effin good!
During this time I met A LOT of guys; some great, some good, some decent ... but mostly a whole bunch of complete assholes. At one point I decided that instead of allowing anyone to hurt me, I'd play it off as if I didn't care and I was only in it all for fun n games ... I will definitely own some of this ... I don't know what kind of guys I was hoping to find when I spent every single weekend partying. "Keepers" do not look at a woman who has lost all sense of hope to her addiction and think "Oh yeah, I could definitely take that girl home to mom!" Ha! No, not even a little bit. I was a f*cking mess and it radiated all over me from across any room. It's funny cause when I first met "Robert", he didn't take me home for a long time. He just assumed his parents would hate me because I was a single mom and had a tattoo ... hahaha, he really did say that :) They loved me the second they met me and I still feel so much love for them and I think they return the feeling. Ever since then though I had labeled myself as a "don't take her home to your mom" kind of girl.
I've gotta be honest though, there were a couple that kind of really did break my heart a little even though I tried to play it off like I was fine, and there were a couple that I think I actually broke their heart ... even though I've made it sound like every single guy I met in this time period was a complete joke, there were a select few that really were great guys ... it all comes down to the lesson learned by this story which I'll share at the end.
As I've talked about in THIS BLOG, by November 2011, instead of trying to fall in love with a man, I fell in love with Adderall. From then until May 26, 2012 I was a complete mess. At any given time I'd have 20 different guys texting me - and because I was so dead on the inside of course I'd make time to text every single one of them back to ensure that somehow I could feel happy. They fed my need for attention. This is called being unmanageable, something I learned in treatment and it's part of the 12 Steps ... basically, being unmanageable is doing anything you can in order to get out of your feelings. Therefore I'd let all of these men proclaim their undying love for me so that for the time being I could feel loved ... I'd listen to them tell me how beautiful I was because my self esteem was so horrible I needed to hear it from someone else ... even if I knew it was all complete bullshit, it was doing the job of not making me feel like such a piece of trash. This time in my life is really a blur, a complete disaster, and a nightmare I wish I never would have lived. I was COMPLETELY vulnerable and basically everything I did was a mistake ... BUT I like to think of it as the greatest mistake. Even where my love life was concerned :)
After my kids were taken from me (I'll be blogging all of this more in depth), I was in a completely depressed state of mind. I was court ordered to quit using, therefore I quit using (not immediately but soon after) ... Being high or getting drunk was the only way I could cover up my feelings. There were so many things I wanted to shove down deep inside of me, and included in that was all of the failed relationships I'd had, all of the men that had hurt me more then they'll ever know, and even all of the men that I myself had hurt. I was 26, divorced twice, my children had two different dads, I didn't have a job, I had just moved in with my parents, I was behind on every single bill I had, I had zero income, I'd found out that I didn't really have any friends, I was mad at the world because I needed someone to blame for the havoc I'd wrecked ... I was in a shitty f*ckin place. A lot of the time I'd think to myself that I'd be living in my mom and dads basement forever. I'd figured my whole life I'd be talking with 20 different guys at any given time with no intentions of ever hanging out with them because, 1. I knew what they really were after, and 2. I f*ckin hated myself, I felt disgusting, and I only saw ugly and trashy when I looked in the mirror ... I had talked myself into believing that I wasn't worth anything, I didn't deserve love ... and IF by chance there was a good guy out there for me, chances are he wouldn't want a god damn thing to do with me once he found out my story. I honestly felt like there was no way I could ever be honest with a man if I ever expected him to want to be with me.
After I moved in with my parents loneliness became an understatement. I think I isolated and made myself lonely, but that's a different story ... In August 2012 (I'll go into depths about treatment in another post) I was court ordered to go to a substance abuse treatment program ... Omg, to tack it all on I was now in a new category of people; I was an addict/alcoholic. I spent over 30 hours a week in treatment as well as random drug testing that would consume my evenings. I was trying my hardest to get back on my feet. I was working at a gas station in Panguitch to catch up on my bills and debts and had just barely started Tonergy (you'll learn more about Tonergy in another post). Living in Panguitch I would drive almost daily to Cedar City to either attend treatment, drug testing and/or AA and NA meetings, not to mention DCFS court appearances and other DCFS meetings (much more to tell so if you have questions about this time just know it'll be answered sooner or later). I kept this a secret the best I could from anyone around me; I never talked about it all to anyone except my mom. It's f*cking embarrassing, or at least it was to me at the time. Just imagine how horrible it was for me to have to tell my boss that I had to leave work for two hours to drive to Cedar City to pee in a cup and then drive home ... omg the worst thing ever. Honestly in the back of my mind I was seriously wondering how in the hell I'd ever find someone who would love an addict/alcoholic. If all the other shitty names I'd accrued over my past hadn't been enough - now I had this to deal with too. Looking back I can say that it's something I should have been proud of, like I am today, but it took time to feel that way. There are a shit ton of people who are addicts/alcoholics that you'd never expect, and thankfully a lot of them are doing what I'm doing and working on treating their disease every single day ... but still, the world is naive and the second they hear the word "addict" or "alcoholic" all of a sudden they get a horrible mindset about the type of person you are ... I can say this because I've lived it. It seemed as I was in treatment and attending meetings that a lot of the "addict/alcoholic community" stayed just that, in their community. They dated each other, they slept with each other, they hung out with each other, they went to meetings with each other, they relapsed with each other, you name it and they did it together ... I took everything I learned about addicts/alcoholics, being one and having two very long relationships with them, that this is NOT the type of person I ever wanted to end up with ... so if I thought this way then I assumed that there wasn't going to be a "normie" (what addicts/alcoholics call people who are not addicts/alcoholics) out there that wanted a damned thing to do with me. If I couldn't fathom dating an addict/alcoholic, then why would anyone else?
During treatment I learned the most important thing in the world, and I'll preach that to the world until one day it is truly understood ... You WILL never be able to find love, true love, the love you always have dreamed of, until FIRST you begin to love yourself for EXACTLY who you are. Why else would I spend so much time thinking about all of the reasons that I would never find someone to love me for every part of me, including all of my faults, except for the fact that I hated myself? I hated who I was. I hated who I'd become. I hated what I'd done. I f*cking hate the direction I had lead myself in. I hated it. I hated it. I hated it. I needed to learn how to love myself. I needed to forgive myself. In treatment I learned that it's best to stay out of relationships altogether until you have at LEAST a year of sobriety under your belt.
By December 2012 I was head deep into treatment, I was learning so much about my addiction and myself and most importantly, I was starting to heal ... and believe it or not things were actually finally starting to look up for me. Tonergy was doing great and was in both Cedar City and Panguitch. I had gained back the relationships with my family I had lost and was able to spend more time with my kids. I was doing everything I needed to be doing to become a better me. I had decided after the cop that I needed to give up on finding a man for a while because I just knew I wasn't ready for anything and I didn't want to hurt anyone else due to the fact that I wasn't ready. As I mention above, in treatment they tell you to wait AT LEAST one year after getting clean/sober to be in a relationship because it takes at least that much time to figure out who you are. So I focused on me, I focused on building Tonergy, I focused on being a mom when I had the chance to, I focused on treatment, I focused on staying clean and sober and being able to close my case with DCFS to get my kids back ... my focus was exactly where it needed to be at that time.
December 2012 - current
This is my favorite story :) I actually Mike back in May 2011. **name NOT changed for privacy (hahaha the poor guy probably lost all privacy when he got involved with me!) I met him at the bar believe it or not! He was friends with the guy my best friend was seeing at the time so I saw him here n there, we went out once in a group setting, he played baseball with my kids once, I ended up riding passenger in his truck to Vegas when he let another girl borrow it, he was the one who brought boxes to my house when I f*cked up and had to leave my home in Cedar ... we didn't really text or talk or anything, I saw him at the bar now and again but most of the time I was too f*cked up to remember who I saw at the bar ... so when I saw his name pop up in a text message to me in late December of 2013 I was pretty shocked. I opened it up to find a nutrition related question, something along the lines of 'what do I eat before I go to the gym to give me more energy'. I thought nothing of it because I get those questions all of the time. I answered the question and for the next few weeks we continued texting back n forth here n there. A little bit flirty, but this guy was different ... not once did he ask for "a picture", not once did he hint at anything sexual, not once did he make me feel like he was talking to me just to get my clothes off ... and truth be told, that had NEVER happened with any other guy I had ever talked to before in my entire life. When he asked me out mid January, like on a REAL date (another thing that NEVER freakin' happened) I didn't hesitate for even a second, which was crazy for me at the time because every single other person that was trying to go out with me was getting turned down without a second thought. I was anxious to actually go out with him and be able to talk face to face instead of back n forth texting because our text conversations were FUN, like they literally made me "lol" all of the time! He was funny, in a sarcastic funny kind of way. I don't know, I guess there was so much about him that interested me ... he wasn't the typical bitch dude, he was humble, and we could go back and forth with the sarcasm and jokes without a problem. I figured if anything I'd at least be in store for a good time, a much needed night out and a good laugh. It was January 12, 2013, a Saturday. I was still living in Panguitch but was doing a photoshoot for Tonergy in Cedar that day. After the photoshoot I ran over to my friends house and got ready. I was kind of nervous for some reason ... maybe because via text he really did seem "different", but I didn't want to get my hopes up because as far as I knew "they were all the same". I told him I'd meet him at his place at whatever time ... it's funny because he's Mr. On Time and Prompt and before I met him I was late to every single place I was supposed to be :) So of course, as usual, I was late! I needed hairspray :) Knowing what I know now I bet he was frantically panicking because I was late hahahaha cracks me up! Anyway, we drove to St. George and went to Anasazi. Seriously I don't think he said two words the entire time. Don't fret though because I carried the conversation enough for the both of us :) If you know me, you know I'm good at that! After dinner I asked him if we could go to the movie Gangster Squad because he hadn't really planned anything else and let me decide. So we went to the movie and once again, he didn't try to hold my hand, he didn't try to nuzzle up to me, we just enjoyed the movie! We drove home and got back super late, I said thank you, got in my car and drove home ... he didn't try a damn thing! He didn't even kiss me good night ... wow! Of course I'm in awe wondering what the f*ck is wrong with me ... why wouldn't he want to kiss me goodnight? Was he not attracted to me? Did he not have a good time? Did he not want to see me again?
I kinda like to say that after that night we were inseparable :)) The coolest part is that he didn't even kiss me until like after the 3rd or 4th time we hung out, not because he wasn't attracted to me but because he RESPECTED me ... and that was a first for me! I didn't even know respect still existed! Come to find out his little nutrition related text to me was a way to start talking to me - of course he already knew that answer :) And also come to find out he had even conjured with his mom over where to take me to dinner on that first date ... how cute is that?!
After a few months of me having "court dates" and "meetings" regarding "custody issues" and having to spend 8 or so hours a day at "counseling" and having to come home early some nights to "drug test" I asked him ... "Do you even know why I don't hate my kids"? His response was simple ... he shook his head, shrugged his shoulders and said "It doesn't even matter". We have never once talked about it to this day. I divulged more in this blog to strangers than I ever have to him. Only because I know he doesn't care. What was isn't anymore and I truly think he looks at it that way. I'm still living off assumptions sometimes wondering why he even wanted to go out with me in the first place after I'd destroyed my reputation ...
I just played it out, day by day, always wondering where we were headed and what direction our relationship would go. I was pretty bummed in June 2013, after dating for 6 of the most amazing months of my life when he decided he was going to go work on the road doing contract work. There was no way I could go with him because I was still in treatment, I was still trying to wrap up my DCFS case, I was trying to build a business and I was poor and would never rely on him to financially support me. I think he left for Iowa on June 23, 2013 - as I've said before and I'll say it again, I KNEW from the bottom of my heart that I was in love with this man, I'd try the long distance thing and I figured if we made it work then it was meant to be and if we didn't then it wasn't ... Within two weeks he was flying me out to see him :) And for the next 8 months it was constant trips back n forth. My emotions were going CRAZY! I'd be soooo excited to see him, and I'd be sooooo sad to have to leave him and be apart again. The "long distance" thing really isn't my cup of tea and it definitely was taking it's toll on me, not on our relationship at all, but on me. I figure that a good way to figure out if you really do love someone is to spend a lot of time apart ... our relationship grew A LOT over this 8 months. I could never get enough of him and I'd embrace every single second I did get to spend with him. Needless to say, in February when he got an opportunity to move over 1000 miles away to Oregon for a new job which wouldn't require traveling, I was in ... without hesitation ... I say that like it wasn't hard to leave my home state of 28 years, my family, my friends, my kids, my business and everything else I'd worked so hard to have back in my life again after my downfall - it wasn't just "hard", it was f*cking hard. And it still is hard sometimes to be away from my life in Utah. But the end story is that my relationship with Mike is worth everything to me. I'd move away if it meant that I get to be with him. So that's exactly what we did :)
This may sound cheesy and ridiculous and mushy but I know God put Mike in my life exactly when God knew I was ready for him. If I would have started talking with Mike just 6 months earlier it would have been a whole different story, and probably not one with the ending it has today.
Let me tell you a little about our relationship ... As of today we've been together 18 months. I know it's not like a record in the books or anything but sometimes you don't need to break records :) It's funny cause I always hear people say "We've had our ups and downs but ..." - Well Mike n I have never had "our ups and downs". Seriously though, we have only had ups and ups and ups and more ups! We have never once been in a fight or an argument. We are COMPLETE OPPOSITES, and I don't mean that in a subtle way, literally, we are the exact opposite of one another. I truly feel like I have everything he doesn't have, and I feel like he has everything I don't have - I think we compensate for one another :) And even though we are both control freaks in our own way, we never let that get in the middle of what we have. We have never once been in a fight or an argument, not even one time. And you wanna know the best part? I know he loves me. And he doesn't love me for the way I look, or for my body, or for sex ... he just loves me for me. He listens to my crazy rambling, he motivates me to pursue my dreams, he lets me bitch and cry to him and doesn't say a word but instead hugs me or holds me, he makes me laugh harder then anyone I've ever met, he teases me without making me feel like a piece of shit, he talks me up to his friends and family, he doesn't doubt me, he eats the french toast I make him even when I burn it :)) He gives me butterflies still to this day, I can't sleep at night unless my body is spooned up to his and I feel his arm wrapped around me, he makes me feel sexy even though I look worse now then I ever have in my entire life, he makes my coffee and sometimes brings it to me in bed, he gets excited to hear about my day and gets excited to tell me about his day, he gives me songs, he leaves little love notes around the house for me, he supports me, in every sentence he always uses the words "WE" and never once does he say the word "I", he never ever brings up my past and never degrades me based on my mistakes, he loves my family, he loves my children, he would never hurt me, and not just physically, he would never hurt my feelings or put me down ... He is the man to me that my dad is to my mom, and for my ENTIRE life this is all I've ever wanted!! If I could put on paper or in words the way I feel about this man I would. Every single time I look at him I fall in love all over again. Every single day I fall more and more and more in love with him. I seriously look at him sometimes and my heart just jerks into my belly button and I get overwhelmed with feelings ... like how is it possible to love someone as much as I do him?? I seriously just do not understand how it's possible to even feel like this ... "in love" doesn't describe these feelings. He's sent me roses for no reason, we've walked hand in hand on the beach, and every single freaking time I kiss him I feel like the irises in my eyes turn to hearts! I never thought that could be possible ... He's my best friend, he makes my life worth living, he makes me feel like I'm worth something ... and it scares the f*cking shit out of me ...
As I mentioned earlier, we have only been together for 18 months. I'm so excited for our future together, but I'm also so super scared for our future together. I'm scared out of my mind that I love him this hard. I see couples all of the time that break up after 4 years, or even 40 years, and I don't want that for us. I have been hurt so many freaking times over the course of my life by men and relationships ... I totally let my guard down for this one, which is something I told myself I'd never do again after my last divorce - but I couldn't help myself when it came to Mike. My self esteem seems pretty shot and I always find myself thinking that I'm not good enough for him, I'm not pretty enough for him, I'm not skinny enough for him, I don't make enough money for him, or that he's just with me because he feels sorry for me; I get scared that he'll find someone better, or better looking, or someone with more money ... I still have the hardest time trusting anyone after some of the things I have gone through regarding men and relationships and even though I'm working on it I am always fearful that he is going to find someone else ... just one of my many downfalls. Of course that's on me, but it's really hard to change my thinking, I'm working on it. It just scares me, it seriously f*cking scares me.
The bottom line is that the love I have for Mike is worth the pain I would feel if he did one day decide that I wasn't the person he wanted to spend forever with. As bad as it would kill my soul I would be very grateful for every single second I've been able to spend with him. At least now I know that there is such thing as love. Mike has changed my life and I know he has saved me from myself. I really hope that God decides that what we have will last forever. I know that I can't plan the future, but my hopes for the future are that Mike truly is my happily ever after, my prince charming. I would die happy knowing I spent my life with him.
God puts people, places and things in your life when, and ONLY WHEN, He knows that you are completely ready for them or when He knows that you need them. Mike came into my life exactly when he was supposed to. I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be today. It makes me crazy wondering why I never got my kids back even when I did more than everything DCFS asked of me ... I did a complete 180 degree turn with my life ... and I still didn't get my kids back, but I got Mike. Was that meant to be? I like to think that maybe God put Mike in my life when He did because He knew that I wasn't ever going to be a full time mommy again. Whatever the reason, I would go through the heartache of my past 350 billion times over again to know that I would end up loving Mike.
Why am I writing this? Why is this even significant you wonder? Only because I have learned SO MUCH through my experiences with relationships and men. I learned that a relationship will never work until you yourself have grown into someone you love and appreciate. There is no possible way you can love someone else until you can learn to love yourself. We are ever changing as human beings, but if you can learn to change and adapt WITH someone and make compromises that benefit the two of you as a whole, that's when you know that you are finally ready to be part of someone's life for the long haul. I feel like treatment taught me so much about not only loving myself, but being able to love someone else. I was probably in the best place emotionally and mentally that I have ever been while I was in active treatment - not that I don't practice everything I learned there on a daily basis, it's just when I'm not actually going to treatment it's not as intense. Even though it was embarrassing I was very grateful to be able to meet Mike while I was working through intense treatment. It helped me not push him away because I was being taught that it was okay to allow someone to love me. I learned that not all men are horrible. I learned that love is real, God it's SO f*cking REAL! And even if for some odd reason this relationship doesn't work out in the end (although I'm praying it will!), I do finally know now what it feels like to love deeper and be loved deeper than I thought humanly possible. I learned that there is someone out there for everyone! I figure if there is someone that falls in love with my crazy ass, then there is opportunity for anyone to be loved!
*** UPDATE *** December 19, 2023
Mike and I ended up getting divorced in 2018. Things change, people change, life changes … but the place it has brought me today is bigger and better than I ever could have imagined. My story has only just begun. I can’t wait to tell you all about B it. I’m not done writing, I just needed time. As a new year approaches I’m ready to get so much out of my head and into this blog. So get ready to read!
Loves, xoxo