My baby was born into this world on March 24, 2008. Beckem McKee. He was perfect. He still is perfect. Pregnancy was easy, labor and delivery was easy, and believe it or not he was an easy baby :) There wasn't much crying ever. He slept through the night almost immediately, most of the time laying next to me but I was totally okay with that :) I went back to work after just 3 days and was blessed to be able to take my baby boy with me. I basically spent every single moment with him (excluding my gym time) from the day he was born until my divorce ... well with an exception here or there for a weekend getaway ... I'm definitely going to say that in that first 2 years of his life that he was no doubt a mama's boy. It seems like it has been so long since I gave birth to him, but he's only 6 years old now so really not much time has passed ... I guess it's just so crazy how much can change in so little time ...
I hated V immediately. But of course I would. That makes total sense right? She just snatched up my ex husband when initially I figured he'd be begging for me back. He found happiness with a woman and I found a bunch of douchebag dudes who wanted nothing but sex. And I really think I was hurt by the fact that he had found someone SO SOON after the divorce ... I don't know, it could have even been jealousy. Jealous of the fact that he had something with her that I couldn't have with him because we couldn't make it work? Jealous that he wanted her and not me anymore? Like, was she better than me? Was she more attractive than I was? Was she more fun to be around? Did she have a better body? Did she have a better sense of humor? I don't know, and I'll never know ... because the fact of the matter is that I really don't know her, or her circle, well enough to even have the slightest clue. Needless to say, about a year or so later I nearly freaked the f*ck out when I heard Beckem refer to her as "MOM".
It was in the beginning days of my addiction when I first heard Beckem refer to V as "mom". The second it came out of his mouth I knew EXACTLY who he was referring to. If you know me, I'm an emotional headcase ... I cry when I'm sad, I cry when I'm happy, I cry when I hurt, I cry when someone else hurts ... I cry a lot. Needless to say, I busted out in tears. Beckem was only 3 and I'm sure he had no idea what was going on. But Ryker, who was 8, surprisingly enough knew exactly what had happened and instantly told Beckem that "V" was not his mom and that I was his mom. I told Ryker that it was okay, it really wasn't a big deal and we went on with our evening. You better believe that I immediately sent a text to "Robert" and asked him to come over and talk to me about what had just happened. I didn't yell or fight or anything, I just wanted to talk to him about having my son call someone else mom. He told me he would come over the following evening. I didn't really know what I was going to say, or the point I was going to try n make, but what I do know is that hearing Beck say that seriously f*cked up my heart and ripped my soul to shreds ...
Being an addict, of course the one way to get out of those painful feelings was to use use use and use a little more. I did exactly that. The higher I could get (not even realizing at the time that I was taking place in a very harmful cycle) the less I would feel; and the pain I felt from that seriously was one of the worst pains I'd ever felt in my entire life. Being a mom is sacred. It is hands down the greatest blessing that has ever been bestowed upon me. My children, even to this day, are the one thing in my life that mean more to me then even living myself means to me. I brought those sweet boys into this world, I woke up every single night with them when they'd cry, I was the first one to feel them move inside of my stomach, I was the first one to be able to hold them upon delivery, I was the first one to see them smile, or roll over, or take their first steps or hear their first word ... I was ALWAYS their number one and they were always my number one. And now to think that maybe there was someone else trying to act as Beckems number one just simply kicked my ass.
Over the next few months there were several other times when Beckem would accidentally call V "mom" in front of me. I used over it time and time and time again. Ryker always made it a point to let Beckem know that V was not his mom, which hurt my feelings even worse. Ryker shouldn't have to have that on his conscious. I didn't even know this chick, yet I hated her with all of my heart and soul.
When my kids were removed from my custody by DCFS in mid April 2012 it was utter humiliation. I talk more about that story HERE so if you haven't read that make sure you do so you get a better understanding of what I'm even talking about. Even more humiliating was having to look at V in the courtroom on that first day I had to appear in court. I wanted to grab her by the throat and rip every strand of her hair out. Looking back it had nothing to do with her. It was my own fault that my kids were gone. But the fact that I felt that it was her fault, or at least the fact that I figured she had something to do with it, made me want to hit her with my car. Now, not only was my son going to be calling her "mom", but he was also going to be living full time with her and helping in making all of the decisions regarding him. No longer would I be tucking him in at night, helping him brush his teeth, reading him stories, tickling his back, seeing his smiling face in the morning, singing the ABC's with him, getting him ready for bath time ... no longer would I have anything to do with him for that matter ... it was her. It was her he would see every morning. It was her he would see every night. It was her.
My mom came to that first court appearance with me. It was the first time I had seen her since the kids were taken away. After court was over, and we both realized that this was really happening, I cried. I cried and cried and cried and cried. I left the court with my mom in disbelief, agony, distress and probably literal shock ... and I cried to her. We went to my house and she hugged me and I just said "Mom I want to come home". It was then that I knew I would need to move back in with my mom and dad. My life was falling apart ... well, my life had already fallen apart. I really thought this was the end. I couldn't handle anymore and I knew that moving in with mom and dad would be the best thing I could do for myself at the time. Moving in with mom and dad meant leaving my house. Roberts mom and dad had helped us get the house a few years earlier. I had initially fallen in love with it, picked it out, decorated it and made it mine. I painted and designed and did my thing. I spent countless hours making it feel like "home" to me. It was MY home. So it wasn't surprising when after the divorce I got to stay in the house. When I moved in with my mom, of course Robert and V ended up moving into "my" house. After all, Roberts parents owned the place and it was only fair. I had a lot of help moving out, this is all really a story in itself, but I remember I had two things left to get at my old house; my fish tank and a rack of clothes I had hanging. I pulled up to the house and there was V's car. I walked in to get my final bit of stuff and she was in there with her sister .... painting over the color on my walls. I got my stuff out of there as fast as I could and took off. Sobbing as I drove away from that house for the last time and off to Panguitch where I would make my new home in my mom and dads basement. She took my ex husband - she took my kid - now she was taking my house ... she had everything that I had at one time been able to call mine.
Over the next few months I did what I could with what I had. I was court ordered to only "supervised visits" with the kids at the beginning of the case. One hour per week with my kids supervised by my parents. I was working toward what DCFS called "reunification". Slowly but surely I was granted more time with the kids as long as I continued doing what DCFS asked of me. Basically they gave me a check list and I was told that as long as I completed everything then I'd get my kids back. For 18 months I believed that, until I later found out they were full of shit ... but that's another story. For 18 months I saw V every time I was in court. I saw V every time we had a "team" meeting with DCFS. I saw her every time I went and knocked on the front door of my old house to pick up Beck for my visitation. I saw her put his coat on, and hug him goodbye, and I saw her welcome him home whenever I'd drop him off. It tore my heart to pieces when he started calling me "Nikki" and began calling her mom more and more and more. Soon after she and Robert were expecting their first child together. Then soon after they were getting married. V and Robert had created this perfect little life, with my child at the center, and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. I was jealous beyond all means. Why couldn't I have that life? I wanted every little thing she had. Well, I was over Robert ... but I wanted that life. I wanted a cute little family with a man that loved me with the cute house on the hill ... she had everything I wanted. Everything that in fact I once had, before my life went to shit. In all reality, I was actually just so completely jealous of her ... but I certainly wasn't at a place in my life to admit that.
I talked to my group and counselor about this numerous times. My counselor, who is the most highly respected woman in this world in my eyes, always mentioned how I should be grateful for her. No matter what though I just couldn't see it that way - I hated her. I hated and despised her. Seeing her made me nearly bleed from my veins. Looking back it's easy to see now that I was jealous, simple as that ...
Then one day something absolutely out of this world crazy happened ... Mike's ex wife and mother to his beautiful children messaged me on FB. Freaking the eff out I opened it wondering what it would be about ... I cried. Oh boy did I cry! She was thanking me. She was THANKING me??? What?! How?! Omg of all of the absolutely crazy outlandish things that has happened to my life, this took me aback like I've never been taken aback before ... In a mere instant I had the utmost respect for this woman. Her mature, responsible, and grateful way of realizing that I too would be part of her children's lives from now on was a HUGE 'Aha! moment' for me ... She was in the exact same position I was in (well kind) with V and Beckem, yet instead of wanting to hit me with a car, she was thanking me? Later on that year she even invited me to a baby shower for their oldest at HER house!! Wow, I freaked out a bit, but I went! Although it was a teeny tiny bit awkward with all of her family and her friends there and none of Mike's family, not once was I made to feel uncomfortable or not part of the group ... this was truly a touching experience for me and really opened my eyes to how ridiculously pathetic I was being regarding the place that V had taken in Beckem's life.
Every time we get the opportunity to spend time with the girls I make sure that they always know how much I love them - not only because I really do love them as if they're my own, but also because I know that their mom is okay with me loving them. That factor alone makes the biggest difference in the world when being in a relationship with mixed families ... and I thank Mike's ex wife every single day for teaching me this lesson. I don't think she'll ever know how much that simple message meant to me and how much it truly did change my life! I'll be forever grateful to her for that ...
Dear "V" -
I honestly cannot thank you enough for stepping in when I not only mentally stepped out, but physically was forced to step out. The fact of the matter is that every child deserves to be loved and cared for unconditionally - we both can handle the unconditional love part (because honestly who couldn't love B unconditionally?!), but out of the both of us, you are the one who showed the most care in a time that I was battling life from within. I cannot thank you enough for showing up when I couldn't. I cannot thank you enough for loving and caring for Beckem when he needed someone the most - after the boys were removed from my custody. I cannot thank you enough for all of the motherly things you do for him on a day in and day out basis. I remember vividly the day I picked him up to spend time with him and noticed the crazy eyes on his socks. Of course I asked where he got them and when he replied that you had made them for him for crazy sock day I literally couldn't hold back the tears. Of course I felt sad that I wasn't the one doing these things for him, but more so than you'll ever know I felt blessed and grateful that YOU were there to do those things for him. As I scrolled through every picture you had on IG I couldn't hold back the tears once again. Although I was sad that I wasn't there to have all of those experiences with Beckem that you have had, I was so thankful that you were able to share those moments with him. And not only that you were THERE physically, but also the fact that you were so proud of him. I love seeing how your love for him radiates just through your IG account. For that I am so very grateful.
It took me a long time to come to terms with it, and even more time for me to be able to admit it, and even though I don't know you very well and I'm sure we'll never get the opportunity to know one another that well - I can now say that I am so grateful that Beckem doesn't just have me as his mom, but he also has you as his mom. Two moms ... doesn't get much better than that :) Thank you for taking B in like he was your very own, thank you for caring for him, thank you for being a responsible parent and making sure he goes to school and gets there on time and reads and does his homework, thank you for making him look cute every single day and for taming his crazy hair, thank you for sharing traditions with him on the holidays, thank you for going with him to enjoy the activities he loves to do, and thank you for ... once again ... showing up for him in his every day life the way I can't.
I also want you to know that I have changed my life around. What you may have known about me or heard about me throughout that horrible time in my life is no more. I have done the work surrounding my past and feel confident at the place I am at in my life today. I know that God has a plan for me and I know that there is a higher power involved in the fact that Beckem is being raised by you and not me - and that reason I will trust to God. Although I may not understand that reason, I am truly grateful that God chose someone like you to raise B. He couldn't have chose a better woman, and I firmly believe that.
In closing I just want you to know that I feel deep love and compassion for you and the shoes that you have filled. I can never possibly explain to you how much what you have done means to me. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for raising Beckem and teaching him the life skills he needs to be an amazing man - it's a tough job but you have been nothing short of a miracle. I admire and have the utmost respect for you and the way you have parented B. I honestly couldn't ask for anything more than a happy, loved and respectful child - and you have gone over and beyond at proving that that is exactly what you do for B. I will never in my entire lifetime be able to show you or tell you the appreciation and thanks you truly deserve. I feel so very blessed that Beck has both you and I to call "MOM".
Loves,
Nikki
Dear Beckem:
I am so sorry that mommy wasn't there for you the way I should have been for those few years. Tears roll down my cheeks as I relive that moment when I knew you had been taken from me. Not only because of the loss but also because of the fact that it was my own fault. I would do anything to relive those years and give you and your brother every single ounce of my soul instead of being selfish the way I was. You deserve that Beckem, you deserve every good thing in this world. And I know that nothing but greatness will come to you as you grow up.
I see so much of myself in you! You are crazy and wild and fun and independent and such a joy to be around. You shine bright in a room packed full of people. You are SO SMART!!!!! As I received my very first text from you last night I cried, not only because I miss you like crazy, but also because even through those few text messages I realized how much you had grown up - and how much I have missed out on.
I know I am not there every day of your life. I know I have not been there for so many huge accomplishments you have already had in your life and I know I probably won't be there for the many more accomplishments that you will have - but please know that I am ALWAYS there, even if I'm not "there". One day that will make sense to you ... Please never think I gave up on you or I quit fighting for you. I fought harder for you than I've ever fought for anything in my life - and in the end for some reason it didn't turn out the way I was hoping for. That's something we leave with God and trust Him that He knows what is best for both you and I. Something you will learn in life is that God doesn't always do what we hope - but in the end He always does what is right.
I will never be able to tell you how much I love and care for you. You are and will always be my baby and mamas little boy. Every single day I wake up and try and be the best person I can possibly be only because I want you and Ryk to be proud of who your mom has become. You make me want to be better than the best - and because of you two I will be! I want you to know how proud I am of you and the sweet little soul you are growing into. You never cease to amaze me! I know that only great things will come from you my sweet boy and I am so excited to see the amazing young man you grow into! I'll be there for you every single step of the way - always rooting for you, cheering you on, and doing everything in my power to make sure you get what you work for and deserve in this life.
You are so blessed to not only have me that loves you, but that you also have "V". She is such an amazing woman and parent to you and I am so grateful that you get the opportunity to call both of us "mom".
From the bottom of my heart, I love you baby B.
Loves,
Mom
xoxo
The Lesson Learned
Don't get me wrong, I am not "happy" by all means that I am not the one raising my child - but the thing that does make me happy is that V is the next best person for the job. Sometimes I don't understand why God makes things happen the way He does, but I do trust Him, and I do trust His process, and in this situation I have to remember that it is what it is. I don't only plan on "making the best of it", I plan on living every single day being overly grateful, thankful and feeling abundantly blessed that V is the one tucking Beck into bed at night - if it can't be me I'm extremely happy it's her. It's been shown to me time and time again that it was God's plan in the end anyway ... and above all, I always believe in God's plan.
Loves, xoxo